Another story of me in this huge world

      Seems it is  few days passed after I reached my 19th birthday, I am thinking about making a little summary of my life.  As I get older, my mind and soul keep searching for the meaning of love, yeah.. it's LOVE.. this four-letters-word has many unpredictable meanings inside of it. Although I'm 18 years old (This story happened last year), but I seem can't find this word's meant for me. I remember one of my teacher in primary school asked me about love, and I can't answer it with full of confidence, but as usual, I kept fooling around with the definition, situations that suddenly makes my friend named COURAGE is dying to find the true meaning of this. My mind kept telling me that I will find this true meaning of love one day. Couldn't do anything more except continuing my life as a human and a servant to my God.

    My search started when I was in primary school, I found a beautiful and sweet girl, but we never talked since she left the evening session school when we both in year four. I tried to be her best friend by sending letters (hahaha.. what a childish tactic ) and this letter worked. We kept in touch until the end of year six. After that, we lost contact for about a year before I could get her telephone number from a friend of mine. I learned many things from her, including an outer side of this LOVE. The first lesson that she taught me was "heart has its own will" (sorry, I paraphrase the statement). Yup, she applied it in her life and she lived happily now...

   After that, I found another interesting girl back in PLKN that reminded me a valuable thing that I wouldn't ever forget whenever I felt depressed because of my life, that is "All the thing that's happened is under Allah's permission" (one more time, I paraphrase it..). She is an attractive girl, lived in the same district of mine, and now study oversea. Hahaha.. kept in touch with her made me think that perhaps I'm not very suitable to be a boyfriend in terms of serious coupling matters but I am good in making friends with them. In this kind of relationship, I learned about the difference between friend and special girlfriend.

   One year at the furthest place I've ever been made me more matured in terms of critical thinking and my management. Maybe I learned all of them from my friends, teachers and not to forget my post in representative council. Also, I've made a big mistake from this college; that I regretted until this breath of time, I accidently made a promise to a girl. Without any further thinking, I confidently told  my feelings to her, yup, the feeling is true, but when I with her, I can't keep up my academic, it's not her fault, but I guess I am the one who is not really ready to commit a serious relationship. She is blessing in disguise, perfection over a simple person, always try her hard to make me comfortable with her, never ever complaint anything about me, although I knew that my personal life was worst at that particular time.. yeah, the only thing that I learned from this unfortunate relationship is "never give any commitment if you're already have another important commitment to make". Many asked me why and why, even myself kept thinking about it, I might not crying outside, but inside, Allah knows...

   From this three attempt of having a relationship, all I could say is I am not ready for knowing the true meaning of LOVE, perhaps towards my family is the most prior thing that I must do first. So, I will not having any other relationship until I feel that my commitment towards my academic is done.